It doesn't matter

The three of you who faithfully check my blog even though I rarely post already know that our house is for sale. This has been an unexpected journey through fear, uncertainly, and restlessness for me. I never imagined myself to be a fearful person, but God has used this process to root out some things in me that I would have been much more comfortable leaving buried (although we both know that God's goal is not to make us more comfortable but more holy, which eternally benefits us but it doesn't feel good right now!).

When our For Sale sign went up, so did my peace of mind...in smoke.

What if it doesn't sell and the market takes a dive and we can't sell for years?
What if it doesn't sell until school starts?
What if we can't move, and we are faced with living far away from our church? However can we really have the biblical community we long for for ourselves and our children if we live so far away?
What if we have to find a different church? We love the one we've found, and we really do feel like the Lord led us there.
What if we can't find a place to live that we can afford?
What if what if what if.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was NOT okay with our house not selling. This was a BIG RED FLAG. What if God's will is for us to stay put? Am I okay with that?

What about God's will, Julie? Don't you trust that God is in control? Yes.
Don't you know that God is in control of the real estate market? Yes.
Don't you know that God knows that we have four kids and that moving during school will be harder? Yes.
Don't you trust that God has given you these desires for biblical community, and that He cares more about the spiritual nurture of your family than you do? Yes.
Don't you trust that God will provide for your family's needs, no matter where you are? Yes.

Then why am I afraid? Because I know that God doesn't always do for us what seems best to us. Sometimes He plans things for us that are uncomfortable, and sometimes downright difficult. I don't want my life to be difficult. I want it to be easy.

But I must face this sin: Am I living for Him, or for me? Am I willing to serve and follow Him, as long as it is comfortable for me? Am I willing to follow Him into valleys, trusting that the strong hand leading me will never fail or leave me alone? My anxieties, I'm afraid, are revealing that I am way too committed to myself and not to Him.

I certainly don't have all the answers for dealing with this, but I did pick up a book I have enjoyed so far called Running Scared, fear, worry and the God of rest by biblical counselor Ed Welch. I am planning to work through this book and looking forward to being encouraged to pursue the Lord through these struggles.

I also keep reviewing a phrase that I read somewhere, maybe from Elisabeth Elliot. She talked about being "indifferent in the will of God." Basically, we should be so committed to Him, so sure of His love and care, and so desiring for our lives to bring Him glory, that we simply don't care what He does with us. We know He will walk with it through us. We know that following Him will bring immeasurably more joy than walking in our own way, and we just want to bring Him glory. It doesn't matter to us what He plans and ordains, because we know that "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

So, I am trying to keep my eyes on Him and not on our schedule of showings, and praying for my desire to glorify Him to increase, and my desire to serve my own desires, even if they seem like good ones, to diminish a bit. It struck me the other day that God can resurrect someone from the dead to buy our house. It's SO not an issue for Him. I know He's much more concerned about my heart being happy in Him, trusting Him, and not worrying about tomorrow.

Mercy

I have a homeless friend that I met through FBC Parker, and I have had the privilege of taking her around to try to get her state ID and to the Dollar Tree and various other things. When I first started doing this, I was eager to treat her to a meal, even if it was just McDonald's. I was excited about letting her order the most expensive meal on the menu, and wanted her to enjoy it. I was feeling merciful. I was so struck by the thought that the Lord's mercy toward me is similar, so I thought. I was totally undeserved, His enemy, not able to contribute anything to Him or give Him anything at all. I was dead and hopeless, and then He reached out in love toward me and saved me. We are ALL like this, my friend, myself, and every human except Christ Jesus who has ever lived.

As the weeks and months went by, I realized that my "mercy" was indeed not quite up to par with the mercy of the Almighty (imagine that?). I realized this a few weeks ago on another of our McDonald's visits. There we were, laptop on the table to help my friend submit some online job applications. I pre-packed PBJ for all of us and thought we could just buy something off of the dollar menu, one for each of us, so that would be $6 plus tax...seemed like a good way to be a good steward of my money. We had eaten out so much lately that I wanted to save a little! And I figured that of course the kids and my friend would all be okay with PBJ and we could look forward to a treat from the dollar menu. Well...

It didn't go so well. She HATES jelly, she informed me. And it is too difficult for her to chew peanut butter on bread. She was not interested in my thrifty idea. So, no problem (inward growl), I will buy her a meal and the rest of us will stick to the game plan. A cheeseburger isn't too pricey, right? Well, she wanted a salad meal...only the most expensive meal on the menu (it seemed to me). So I shuffled up to the counter to order, spending half of my money on my friend and the other half on the other 5 of us (grumble, grumble).

Thankfully, when I returned to the table with our food, I needed to take the kids to wash their hands, and the Lord graciously spoke to my heart as we were hand-washing.
The Holy Spirit brought to mind these phrases from Scripture: "His mercy endures forever" and "His mercies never come to an end."

These verses convicted me so much. My mercy had waned. It was almost non-existent, actually. But His doesn't wane. His mercy endures. Even in the face of our blatant sin - our mis-understanding of His greatness and power and goodness - He is still merciful. We take His gifts without giving Him the praise due Him, and He keeps giving to us anyway. We reject His ways and try to arrange our life how we'd rather have it, and He continues to pursue us, continues to help us see His faithfulness, continues to reassure us that He loves us. He is so merciful and He will continue in His mercy. His mercy won't end. His mercy won't wane for His children.

I returned to the table with a totally different attitude toward my friend and her desired salad meal. How much I needed to learn! I was ashamed of my previous attitude, and hopeful that it hadn't shown through my face and body language to my friend. Please don't read into this that my friend was ungrateful for what I had given her in the past. She always seems grateful and appreciative, which even more highlights the difference between my limited mercy and the enduring, unfailing mercy of God towards ungrateful me.

This was a powerful experience for me in understanding God's mercy. I pray that my sinful heart will grow in this as the Lord continues to show this undeserving sinner His great mercy.