It doesn't matter

The three of you who faithfully check my blog even though I rarely post already know that our house is for sale. This has been an unexpected journey through fear, uncertainly, and restlessness for me. I never imagined myself to be a fearful person, but God has used this process to root out some things in me that I would have been much more comfortable leaving buried (although we both know that God's goal is not to make us more comfortable but more holy, which eternally benefits us but it doesn't feel good right now!).

When our For Sale sign went up, so did my peace of mind...in smoke.

What if it doesn't sell and the market takes a dive and we can't sell for years?
What if it doesn't sell until school starts?
What if we can't move, and we are faced with living far away from our church? However can we really have the biblical community we long for for ourselves and our children if we live so far away?
What if we have to find a different church? We love the one we've found, and we really do feel like the Lord led us there.
What if we can't find a place to live that we can afford?
What if what if what if.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was NOT okay with our house not selling. This was a BIG RED FLAG. What if God's will is for us to stay put? Am I okay with that?

What about God's will, Julie? Don't you trust that God is in control? Yes.
Don't you know that God is in control of the real estate market? Yes.
Don't you know that God knows that we have four kids and that moving during school will be harder? Yes.
Don't you trust that God has given you these desires for biblical community, and that He cares more about the spiritual nurture of your family than you do? Yes.
Don't you trust that God will provide for your family's needs, no matter where you are? Yes.

Then why am I afraid? Because I know that God doesn't always do for us what seems best to us. Sometimes He plans things for us that are uncomfortable, and sometimes downright difficult. I don't want my life to be difficult. I want it to be easy.

But I must face this sin: Am I living for Him, or for me? Am I willing to serve and follow Him, as long as it is comfortable for me? Am I willing to follow Him into valleys, trusting that the strong hand leading me will never fail or leave me alone? My anxieties, I'm afraid, are revealing that I am way too committed to myself and not to Him.

I certainly don't have all the answers for dealing with this, but I did pick up a book I have enjoyed so far called Running Scared, fear, worry and the God of rest by biblical counselor Ed Welch. I am planning to work through this book and looking forward to being encouraged to pursue the Lord through these struggles.

I also keep reviewing a phrase that I read somewhere, maybe from Elisabeth Elliot. She talked about being "indifferent in the will of God." Basically, we should be so committed to Him, so sure of His love and care, and so desiring for our lives to bring Him glory, that we simply don't care what He does with us. We know He will walk with it through us. We know that following Him will bring immeasurably more joy than walking in our own way, and we just want to bring Him glory. It doesn't matter to us what He plans and ordains, because we know that "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

So, I am trying to keep my eyes on Him and not on our schedule of showings, and praying for my desire to glorify Him to increase, and my desire to serve my own desires, even if they seem like good ones, to diminish a bit. It struck me the other day that God can resurrect someone from the dead to buy our house. It's SO not an issue for Him. I know He's much more concerned about my heart being happy in Him, trusting Him, and not worrying about tomorrow.