Mercy, again!

I almost blew it last week. We were standing in a long line for the ferris wheel at the Houston Rodeo. I told the kids they could go together to sit with Grandpa while I stood waiting, and Daniel said, "I want to keep you company." Ok, that's a nice gesture. I will let him.

So we stood there. I was sticky with goo from cotton candy and Dippin' Dots. I was a bit anxious (confessions) about how much (or lack thereof) money we had in our bank account after seeing the receipt from the ATM.

And Daniel was pulling on my shirt. With his sticky fingers. And I was annoyed. "Stop pulling on my shirt," I snapped.

And he kept trying to tell me something, only, he was whispering. At the Rodeo! I couldn't understand him. I told him several times, "You need to speak up." "You need to talk louder, I can't hear you." "Don't whisper; I can't hear you!" I was irritated.

Finally, I heard his sweet comment. "Mommy, when Jesus is in your heart, you always have company."

Ka-pow! The knife pierced through my hard heart and I was humbled. What if I had snapped and snatched away that priceless little thought from my sweet four-year-old? Oh, the mercy of God, that kept me at that moment from spoiling his God-ward thought. Oh, sweet Mercy, don't leave me in my sin. Grant that you would rest on me each moment, and save me from myself and my own wretchedness!

Out of the mouths of babes...

The other day, Daniel repeatedly asked me if I would do something. I gave him an indefinite answer, not really wanted to commit myself. And he kept asking. And asking. So, I proceeded to give him a lesson on nagging, explaining that asking over and over wears people down, sometime makes them irritated, and then they really don't want to give you want you want. He was thoughtful for a moment, then he says, "God isn't like that."

Astonished, and wondering what his reasoning was, I asked him what he meant. He said something along the lines of, "If you ask and ask God, He listens and answers." I was shocked, and guilty, all at the same time. I am so thankful that the Lord helped him to understand his recent lesson about Hannah, who asked and asked for her precious son Samuel. God is so good to reveal His character and truth to the hearts of children!

It doesn't matter

The three of you who faithfully check my blog even though I rarely post already know that our house is for sale. This has been an unexpected journey through fear, uncertainly, and restlessness for me. I never imagined myself to be a fearful person, but God has used this process to root out some things in me that I would have been much more comfortable leaving buried (although we both know that God's goal is not to make us more comfortable but more holy, which eternally benefits us but it doesn't feel good right now!).

When our For Sale sign went up, so did my peace of mind...in smoke.

What if it doesn't sell and the market takes a dive and we can't sell for years?
What if it doesn't sell until school starts?
What if we can't move, and we are faced with living far away from our church? However can we really have the biblical community we long for for ourselves and our children if we live so far away?
What if we have to find a different church? We love the one we've found, and we really do feel like the Lord led us there.
What if we can't find a place to live that we can afford?
What if what if what if.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was NOT okay with our house not selling. This was a BIG RED FLAG. What if God's will is for us to stay put? Am I okay with that?

What about God's will, Julie? Don't you trust that God is in control? Yes.
Don't you know that God is in control of the real estate market? Yes.
Don't you know that God knows that we have four kids and that moving during school will be harder? Yes.
Don't you trust that God has given you these desires for biblical community, and that He cares more about the spiritual nurture of your family than you do? Yes.
Don't you trust that God will provide for your family's needs, no matter where you are? Yes.

Then why am I afraid? Because I know that God doesn't always do for us what seems best to us. Sometimes He plans things for us that are uncomfortable, and sometimes downright difficult. I don't want my life to be difficult. I want it to be easy.

But I must face this sin: Am I living for Him, or for me? Am I willing to serve and follow Him, as long as it is comfortable for me? Am I willing to follow Him into valleys, trusting that the strong hand leading me will never fail or leave me alone? My anxieties, I'm afraid, are revealing that I am way too committed to myself and not to Him.

I certainly don't have all the answers for dealing with this, but I did pick up a book I have enjoyed so far called Running Scared, fear, worry and the God of rest by biblical counselor Ed Welch. I am planning to work through this book and looking forward to being encouraged to pursue the Lord through these struggles.

I also keep reviewing a phrase that I read somewhere, maybe from Elisabeth Elliot. She talked about being "indifferent in the will of God." Basically, we should be so committed to Him, so sure of His love and care, and so desiring for our lives to bring Him glory, that we simply don't care what He does with us. We know He will walk with it through us. We know that following Him will bring immeasurably more joy than walking in our own way, and we just want to bring Him glory. It doesn't matter to us what He plans and ordains, because we know that "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

So, I am trying to keep my eyes on Him and not on our schedule of showings, and praying for my desire to glorify Him to increase, and my desire to serve my own desires, even if they seem like good ones, to diminish a bit. It struck me the other day that God can resurrect someone from the dead to buy our house. It's SO not an issue for Him. I know He's much more concerned about my heart being happy in Him, trusting Him, and not worrying about tomorrow.

Mercy

I have a homeless friend that I met through FBC Parker, and I have had the privilege of taking her around to try to get her state ID and to the Dollar Tree and various other things. When I first started doing this, I was eager to treat her to a meal, even if it was just McDonald's. I was excited about letting her order the most expensive meal on the menu, and wanted her to enjoy it. I was feeling merciful. I was so struck by the thought that the Lord's mercy toward me is similar, so I thought. I was totally undeserved, His enemy, not able to contribute anything to Him or give Him anything at all. I was dead and hopeless, and then He reached out in love toward me and saved me. We are ALL like this, my friend, myself, and every human except Christ Jesus who has ever lived.

As the weeks and months went by, I realized that my "mercy" was indeed not quite up to par with the mercy of the Almighty (imagine that?). I realized this a few weeks ago on another of our McDonald's visits. There we were, laptop on the table to help my friend submit some online job applications. I pre-packed PBJ for all of us and thought we could just buy something off of the dollar menu, one for each of us, so that would be $6 plus tax...seemed like a good way to be a good steward of my money. We had eaten out so much lately that I wanted to save a little! And I figured that of course the kids and my friend would all be okay with PBJ and we could look forward to a treat from the dollar menu. Well...

It didn't go so well. She HATES jelly, she informed me. And it is too difficult for her to chew peanut butter on bread. She was not interested in my thrifty idea. So, no problem (inward growl), I will buy her a meal and the rest of us will stick to the game plan. A cheeseburger isn't too pricey, right? Well, she wanted a salad meal...only the most expensive meal on the menu (it seemed to me). So I shuffled up to the counter to order, spending half of my money on my friend and the other half on the other 5 of us (grumble, grumble).

Thankfully, when I returned to the table with our food, I needed to take the kids to wash their hands, and the Lord graciously spoke to my heart as we were hand-washing.
The Holy Spirit brought to mind these phrases from Scripture: "His mercy endures forever" and "His mercies never come to an end."

These verses convicted me so much. My mercy had waned. It was almost non-existent, actually. But His doesn't wane. His mercy endures. Even in the face of our blatant sin - our mis-understanding of His greatness and power and goodness - He is still merciful. We take His gifts without giving Him the praise due Him, and He keeps giving to us anyway. We reject His ways and try to arrange our life how we'd rather have it, and He continues to pursue us, continues to help us see His faithfulness, continues to reassure us that He loves us. He is so merciful and He will continue in His mercy. His mercy won't end. His mercy won't wane for His children.

I returned to the table with a totally different attitude toward my friend and her desired salad meal. How much I needed to learn! I was ashamed of my previous attitude, and hopeful that it hadn't shown through my face and body language to my friend. Please don't read into this that my friend was ungrateful for what I had given her in the past. She always seems grateful and appreciative, which even more highlights the difference between my limited mercy and the enduring, unfailing mercy of God towards ungrateful me.

This was a powerful experience for me in understanding God's mercy. I pray that my sinful heart will grow in this as the Lord continues to show this undeserving sinner His great mercy.

Crazy?

When words are many, transgression is not lacking,
but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Proverbs 10:19

I have been reminded of this verse more than once the last couple of weeks. I've opened my mouth, said something, only to regret it later. It happened again this morning during our worship service at church.

Pastor Hal called our family to the front to tell our congregation a little bit about our trip, and then to pray for us. Just before praying, he made a very-well-intended comment about me being very brave to take my children to Cambodia, to which I quickly remarked "or crazy." He repeated it and snickered, and then we went on. But it has hovered all day.

Why did I say that? If I really thought it was crazy, Kris and I wouldn't be going in the first place. But I do realize that the world would probably say it's crazy from a "safety" and "risk-taking" standpoint. I mean, why would you take a risk like that if you don't absolutely have to?

So behind my comment was an acknowlegement that, yes, I know that many people probably think we are a little crazy for planning this trip. But the flip side, and the side that I hold onto, is that God is the one protecting us each and every day. I know He will protect my children as He wills, and I would much rather lay them in His merciful hands than live with a pretense of their safety over here without much thought to the way He cares for them each day.

So, while, yes, I know that in a worldly sense we may seem crazy, when we remember God's rule and power and His desires for His children, we have much courage to face the conditions in Cambodia with our little ones.

But (or AND), I still am greatly encouraged when people tell me that they have been and will be praying for us. To all of you who have said that, may God bless you and grant your requests. You are truly a HUGE part of any fruit that could come from our efforts on this trip. Thank you!

Trip to Cambodia

We are planning a trip to Cambodia over the holidays. This is something we have longed to do for a while, but we were not thinking we would attempt it until our children were a bit older. But, after prayer and discussion with our friends the Hales, we searched for frequent flier tickets for the six of us. Much to our surprise and excitement, we found them. It was a shock, really, since Kris and some other friends have used frequent flier tickets before but have been unable to get them all the way to Phnom Penh; they have gone to Bangkok and then purchased the last leg into Phnom Penh. But we found 6 tickets all the way there, including a stop on the way in a country to the north. The planned departure date is December 1st, and return date is January 12th. We are more than excited.

We hope to help Bill and Jenn by subbing for them (ESL and computer) until they are ready to resume their classes after having baby Isaac. He is due in late November. We will arrive a little late to help while he is being born, but Chheng's son, Soda, and his wife Allyson are planning to be there over Thanksgiving and leaving the same day we arrive, December 10th, so they can certainly help fill in.

We also so want to be an encouragement to the church there. What a profound joy it is to see and know people who are worshipers of the One true God who live across the world and speak different tongues. He is not the God of just the westerners, or Americans, or English speakers, or industrialized nations. His rule spans cultures and ethic groups and languages and times. He is the same God yesterday, today and forever. And how glad I am that He is everywhere, and that we are no more "safe" within the four walls of our suburban home that we will be walking the dusty roads in a rural Cambodian village. If God is for us, who can be against us?

However, I admit that anxieties do creep in, and we would love to have your prayers! If you want to pray for us, please let us know if you have the opportunity. It encourages us more than you know. Thank you!

A Worthy Pursuit

I so enjoy reading Darcie Newton's blog, and her current post is an excerpt from an Elisabeth Elliot newsletter. I am encouraged by Elisabeth's transparency in order to focus on godly friendship. One of the many reasons why it's so important to be knit into a Body of Believers!

Special Friends

There are a few people from our church that have grown very near and dear to our hearts, and I wanted to post a few pictures of them. God has truly blessed us with their lives and friendship in different ways.
Brother Don is constantly encouraging us, always engaging our children and showing them special care and attention. He is a veteran missionary and dear friend. We are so glad to know him, and we pray that we will be as useful and committed to Christ and His kingdom in our "retirement years" as he is! (Note: Don never says he is retired, because as long as he lives, he wants to work for the Lord. So that's why "retirement years" is in quotation marks.)




Ms. Dolores is a sweet, joyful and caring friend. She is a woman of many hidden talents such as painting and calligraphy. She has not had an easy life, but by God's grace, she is in no way hardened by her past. On the contrary, she is as gentle and sweet as you can imagine. Every time I see her, she is smiling and genuinely concerned about our family. She is so kind, always serving and helping when she comes over. She sure knows how to work hard!



And last but not least, Mrs. Dudding. She has devoted countless hours to helping me by watching the kids while I run errands, helping with household chores, giving thoughtful gifts to the children, and being a true friend. We are undeserving of her love and devotion to our family, and it is another example of the love that the Father has lavished on us, undeserving though we are.


Here she is about to blow our her birthday candle last January.



God has made our lives richer because we know these people. He is good, and one way shows His goodness to us is through the lives of these special folks. Thank you, Loving Father! By Your grace, help our human love to be a picture of your perfect love.

PCPC Marriage Conference - Paul David Tripp

A couple of weekends ago, Kris and I had the opportunity to attend a marriage conference at Park Cities Presbyterian Church where Paul David Tripp was teaching. Remarkably, almost all of his funny stories he also used at the Desiring God National Conference last fall, however, they were absolutely relevant to his marriage talk and so unusual and comical (most of them) that anyone would be happy to hear them all again.
The title was "What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage." These are my notes from the conference.
He started off telling us that it's all the little moments - getting ready in the morning, getting out the door, waiting in line - that life is really lived. There are few BIG moments in life. Pretty much everything is "little moments" and God must rule in the little moments if we are going to live for Him.
Principle 1: A marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship. Worship is first an identity before it is an activity; you are a worshipper before you worship. In marriage, romance is a result, not a cause. It's something that comes from the heart, like everything else.

Luke 6:43-45 “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."

The heart is the seed of all our emotions, desires, and motives. Our greatest marriage problem is in the heart. Tripp encouraged all the attendees to realize, "I am my biggest marriage problem."

It's extremely hard to keep the most important things important. And what rules your heart will shape your marriage, and everything else. One example: It's 10:30pm, and the kids are yelling and jumping on their beds in their room. As he head down the hall...again, he is not thanking God for the opportunity to once again remind them of the precious truths of the gospel and to shape their hearts lovingly and graciously with these truths. NO. He is stomping down the hall saying in essence, "Right now, I don't give a rip about redemption or about the hearts of my children. I don't want to have to parent after 10:00. I am done for the night and and how dare they interrupt my time." Because of selfishness, the most important thing has fallen to a place of lesser importance.

Principle 2: Sin causes us to shrink our lives to the size of our lives. Instead of wanting God's glory and participation in Christ's great kingdom, our selfishness places our focus on our own insignificant lives. "The DNA of sin is selfishness. Sin in its fundamental form is antisocial. That self-orientation de-humanizes the people in my life; they are either vehicles to getting me what I want, or obstacles that get in the way of what I want."

We never threaten, manipulate or guilt someone in love for them. We do these things because we are using them to get us what we want.

Principle 3: Marriage, this side of heaven, is always a war between two kingdoms. Marriage is war, but not against your spouse; each is doing battle in his/her heart.

Everyone lives for some kind of treasure. The thing that is your treasure will control your heart. What controls your heart will control your behavior. Few treasures have intrinsic value; most treasures' values are assigned.

Based on this, there are two different lifestyles: Manipulation or Ministry. A Manipulation lifestyle is living for the kingdom of self, characterized by indulgence, or feeding, the sinful nature. If you are this person, you will live for earthbound treasures and anxiety-bound needs. You are driven by ME: "My world is all about what I treasure and what I say I need." If you think something is need, and your spouse says, "I love you," you will expect them to do whatever it takes to meet that "need."

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,
29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

A person living for kingdom of self suffers from the dynamic of forgetfulness regarding his identity. In Matthew 6, Christ is saying that much of our struggle is rooted in "identity amnesia." We forget that we are God's beloved, and that He has promised to care for us and meet our needs, more so that even the birds or flowers that receive His care daily.

We must stop trying to use other people to meet our "needs." But even we Christians have fallen prey to the thought that if we don't look out for ourselves and our needs, no one will.Tripp says to fight the cynicism that says, "If I love that way, I'll lose." We are to trust Christ and rely on Him. "Identity amnesia" (forgetting that we are Christ's and that He will care for us) always leads to "identity replacement." We are on a nervous quest to find our identity when we've already been given it in Christ. Then we begin to place more value on things less valuable in God's eyes, losing sight of what is most important.

Instead of marriage being at the center of our identity, it isn't anywhere in the circle of things we value - our functional treasures. (I understand "functional" to mean the treasure we live out. What we spend our time and money and thoughts and energy on - what we look forward to when we get home; what we spend our free time on; what we try to learn more about; what we talk about and think about. Regardless of what we say we treasure, our "functional treasures" are the ones we truly value.)

Living this way is living for ourselves. "The idol of idols is SELF." Galatians 3:13-15 says,

13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

So, if we live for ourselves, it won't destroy our relationship, it will destroy us.

Jesus says, "But seek first my kingdom." The second lifestyle is Ministry, living for the kingdom of God and characterized by serving in love. The problem with our relationships is that we do not love God enough. We need to fix our relationships vertically first.

"Cruciform" love: willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not demand reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.

"In the name of love, there is no duty too debase for me."

"If I only love you when you're lovable, who am I loving? - Me. To say, 'If you jump on my train (if you do the things I want you to do), I'll love you' is just ugly self-interest.""

Love is best born out of gratitude toward God for lavishing such love on us. We should be so full of the love of God, like a cup that is filled to the brim with water, that the love can't help but splash out - so that people can't get near us without getting wet.

Also, we need to remember God's design. That husband, that wife, is gloriously designed, but we don't always feel that way. God is the Creator. It is PRIDE to rise to that position and say how he or she should be designed (more personable, less serious, not so sensitive, more sensitive...). To do this is to "curse the work of the Creator in your spouse."

Are you affirming the work of the creator in the way you respond to your spouse?

Think of all the circumstances that God has woven together to have you and your spouse meet. The time, the place, the families. He has marvelously orchestrated your meeting your spouse, with all of his or her family ties, personality traits, and interests and He designed that specific person to be married to you. Your differences should be celebrated.

God is always at work in our hearts. Either we are a part of what God is doing in transforming the heart of our spouse or we are in the way of it. There is no middle ground. We are either responding in love to their sin and particular characteristics and are one of God's instruments of refining them, or we are a hindrance to the work God is doing. We have no capacity to change our spouse's heart; however, we are instrument that God uses to change them. Just like an artist's brush, we should aim to be a soft brush in the hand of God: a hard brush will not absorb much paint and will mar and scratch the surface of what it should be beautifying. A soft brush will absorb paint readily and will beautify the canvas. The only way to be a soft brush is to be full of God's love and trusting Him.

Security

We have several friends who have recently come into difficult straits with this economy. Hard decisions. Stress. Uncertainty about the future. What a reminder to us that we are not our own! Kris' job is such a blessing, but it is not guaranteed.

But wait a minute. Something much, much better is guaranteed. We have a 100% security of having God be for us. Romans 8:31 "If God is for us, who can be against us?" He didn't spare His own Son so that He could save us. He is for us. We know that He will be near us in trouble.

Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble. We should expect it in some shape or form until we meet Him face to face. But we are afraid of it.

What should we be afraid of? Running out of money? Living in a homeless shelter? Eating beans for dinner every night? Having to rely on someone else's generosity to eat? Not having money for our children's education? Wearing ragged clothing? NO! These things are NOT what we should fear.

He promises, PROMISES, that when we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. He will help us. He will rescue us. He will satisfy us.

Psalm 91:15-16
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.

I Peter 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil. What does He regard as evil? Hebrews 3:12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God.

In this verse, evil is unbelief - not trusting God that He will do what He says. That is what we should be afraid of: unbelief! "I believe; help my unbelief!"

So, my prayer is that I will not find my security in the fact that Kris' job looks stable this week. (That could oh so quickly change.) My only security is in Christ Jesus my Lord, who gave Himself up for me. "How will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" I want Him to find in me a believing heart.